Why Do Toddlers Tantrum?

As a toddler mom, I know you’re no stranger to tantrums! Can anyone tell me why they always seem to strike at the most inconvenient times?? I remember one time when my toddler had a tantrum while we were doing some Christmas shopping because she wanted every toy she laid her eyes on. I initially felt embarrassed because I could feel the judgmental eyes of everyone around me. Years ago, I would have just walked out the store to avoid the uncomfortable feelings, but instead I took a deep breath and said, "l know you see so many cool toys and you wish you could have them, but we’re here to buy gifts for our family." Did she ask for another toy? Yes. Did I give in? No. Instead, I redirected her attention by asking her to help me pick out gifts. She loves to help out, so I knew it would make her feel good to be included in the gift picking process and it ended the tantrum. I’d call that a win-win. 

Tantrums can be exhausting and frustrating for everyone involved, but the truth is, they're a normal part of emotionsl development in toddlers. Studies have shown that 90% of children under age three have atleast one tantrum a day. When you understand why the tantrum is happening and know how to calmly respond, you’ll be able to navigate them with ease and confidence- and you’ll start to foster cooperation more quickly with less back and forth. 

Why Toddlers Tantrum

Tantrums occur because toddlers are still learning how to process and communicate their emotions. At this stage, especially with young toddlers age three and under, language skills, emotional regulation, and coping mechanisms are underdeveloped. This makes them more likely to express frustration, overstimulation, or unmet needs through crying, yelling, or even hitting. I've spoken with parents of older toddlers who say, "My child is verbal and able to express his needs. Why does he still have tantrums?" Well, just like my own toddler who is usually able to tell me what she wants, he hasn’t yet developed the ability to calm himself down and think logically when he is overwhelmed or frustrated. 

The prefrontal cortex which is the upper part of the brain that controls critical thinking and impulse control doesn't begin to develop until about age four and isn't fully developed until the late twenties. When triggered, the lower part of the brain, which controls automatic functions, like heartbeat and fight or flight responses takes over and toddlers respond to the trigger in the only ways they know how. As parents, we need to be able to guide young children through their tantrums and model how to properly process and manage emotions.

Underlying Causes of Tantrums

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard someone say that when a child has a tantrum it’s because they’re spoiled, bad, or being manipulative. After a decade of working in the early childhood field, I’ve learned that behavior is a form of communication and when children display unwanted behavior, they’re communicating an underlying need. Once you’ve gained an understanding of your toddler’s temperament, skill level, and cues, it becomes easier to determine the underlying cause of the behavior. I’ve listed some of those underlying causes below. 

Lack of Communication Skills: Toddlers are transitioning from the stage of infancy to early childhood, and their ability to communicate their needs and desires is still developing. Frustration can arise when they struggle to express themselves and their needs effectively, leading to outbursts of anger or sadness. 

Desire for Control: As toddlers begin to assert their independence, they also experience a growing desire for autonomy. However, their limited control over their environment can lead to frustration.  

Undue Attention: Toddlers crave attention and interaction from their caregivers. They may resort to tantrums to gain attention, even if it is negative. Young children quickly learn that their behavior during a tantrum can elicit a strong response from adults, inadvertently reinforcing this behavior in the future.

Coping with Overstimulation: Toddlers are constantly exploring the world around them, and their senses are bombarded with new experiences. Overstimulation, such as too much noise, bright lights, or crowded spaces, can overwhelm their developing nervous systems. A tantrum may be their way of coping with the sensory overload and seeking a break from the stimulation.

Four Ways to Decrease the Frequency of Tantrums

While tantrums are inevitable, there are ways to reduce how often they happen:

Set Predictable Routines

Toddlers thrive on structure. Predictable routines help them feel secure and reduce the anxiety that can trigger meltdowns. Keep meal, nap, and playtimes consistent so your child knows what to expect.

Give Choices

Toddlers crave independence, so offer them small, age-appropriate choices throughout the day. For example, “Do you want the blue cup or the green cup?” Giving them a sense of control helps prevent power struggles.

Prioritize Connection 

Tantrums are often a signal that your child needs connection. Spend intentional, uninterrupted time with them each day—whether it’s reading, playing, or snuggling. When their emotional tank is full, they’re less likely to act out for attention.

Develop a Parenting Toolbox

To support positive growth and development, you need an array of tools that you can pull out to guide, connect, instruct, and correct your child. Relying on consequences alone will have adverse effects on the development of your child and on your relationship with him, leading to more frequent tantrums and unwanted behaviors. 

Leaning on God’s Grace

Every child is unique, and finding the most effective strategies to handle tantrums may require some trial and error. You don’t have to navigate this season alone. Lean on God’s grace to fill the gaps when you feel overwhelmed. Scriptures like 2 Corinthians 12:9 remind us that His grace is sufficient for us, even in our weakness. With practice, you’ll find yourself responding with more calm and grace, deepening your connection with your child and modeling the love of Christ.

How to Use Authority and Grace to Guide your Toddler

As a mom, it’s natural to face moments when you feel unsure about how to handle your toddler’s behavior. They experience many moments of big emotions, and their natural desire for control can sometimes make parenting feel like a struggle. However, as Christian moms, we have a God-given authority to guide, protect, and raise our children with love, discipline, and grace. Part of making the shift from reactive parenting to Grace based-parenting is accepting that you cannot control your child, but you do have God’s authority to raise them according to His will and be a living example of his love and grace. Below, I’m going to share three ways to exercise that authority in a way that strengthens your relationship with your toddler and nurtures their growth.

1. Be Consistent in Your Authority

One of the primary causes of resistance from toddlers is their desire for control. This stage of development is all about exploring independence, which can make setting boundaries challenging. However, being consistent in your authority is key to helping your toddler understand that you’re not just someone who reacts to their behavior but someone who lovingly guides them toward what’s best. When you consistently set boundaries and offer acceptable alternatives to unwanted behaviors, your toddler learns that boundaries aren’t there to limit their freedom but to keep them safe and support their learning. By maintaining consistency, you are showing them that part of your role as a parent is to help them learn the skills and behaviors they need for success in life.

For example, if your child is throwing toys, consistently stepping in and offering an alternative like throwing a soft ball outside helps them understand that the behavior isn’t being stopped just because you say so, but because there’s a better way to express that energy. Over time, this consistency teaches them that your authority as a parent is there to guide them toward healthy and appropriate actions.

2. Don’t Just Discipline—Instruct

Children communicate through their behavior, and as a parent, it’s essential to understand that you’re not just responding to what they do but to the belief or feeling that drives it. Discipline in the form of setting boundaries and consequences can stop unwanted behavior in the moment, but it’s the instruction that creates lasting change. After a challenging moment, when emotions have settled, take a few minutes to have a quick conversation with your child. This allows you to help them understand why their behavior was unacceptable and how they can take accountability for it. It’s also an opportunity to introduce a more acceptable replacement behavior or to teach a new skill. When you instruct your child rather than simply disciplining, you’re addressing the root cause of the behavior and helping them grow emotionally and behaviorally.

For example, if your toddler grabs toys from a friend during playtime, simply telling them not to grab might stop the behavior in the moment. But taking time to explain why sharing is important, introducing phrases like “Can I have a turn?” and encouraging them to practice this new skill helps them learn to navigate social interactions in a healthier way. Instruction turns discipline into a teaching moment that helps your child grow into the person God created them to be.

3. Choose to Display Grace and Compassion

Parenting toddlers often brings out big emotions—not just in them but in us too. It’s easy to react when you’re tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed, but one of the most powerful ways to exercise your God-given authority is by choosing to display grace and compassion, even in the toughest moments. No matter how many mistakes we make, God’s grace is always available to us—even in the midst of consequences. As parents, we are living examples of God’s love for our children, and choosing to be as gracious and compassionate as He is teaches them about His goodness. Your child needs to experience your love most when they’re struggling. Grace doesn’t mean avoiding consequences; it means approaching discipline with understanding and empathy.

For instance, when your toddler has a meltdown, reacting out of frustration might escalate the situation. Instead, pausing to offer a comforting hug and calmly explaining what went wrong can help them process their emotions more effectively. This not only helps them feel safe but also shows them that, just like God, you are there for them even when things get messy.

As you exercise your authority as a parent, remember that God has entrusted you with the sacred role of guiding your child toward a life of love, respect, and faith. By being consistent, instructing rather than just disciplining, and choosing to display grace and compassion, you’re not only shaping their behavior—you’re shaping their heart. Parenting is a journey, but with God’s guidance and grace, you have everything you need to lead your child in love and help them grow into the person they’re meant to be. Keep trusting in His plan for you and your family as you walk this path together.

Setting Limits with Toddlers: 5 Tips For a Struggle Free Approach

Parenting toddlers can sometimes feel like a losing battle. Getting through a meal time can leave you sweaty, covered in food, and feeling defeated. Showing your toddler not to hit when upset and teaching more appropriate behaviors can be challenging, especially when you're reality as a child consisted of punishment, timeouts, and "do as I say, not as I do".
Setting boundaries with toddlers can often lead to tantrums and power struggles if you don't understand how to communicate with your toddler. Toddlers are egocentric, they only see things from their perspective and they want things to go their way at all times. Understanding this, combined with parenting strategies that support collaboration and healthy development will make setting boundaries simple and you'll see a decrease in power struggles.

Will the tantrums and power struggles stop completely? No. In fact, tantrums are a sign of healthy development, so they will happen occasionally. Having the tools to calmly respond to these tantrums will make parenting a less stressful and overwhelming experience. By using a thoughtful approach, you can hold a boundary while still being loving and firm.

1. Prepare Your Toddler for What's Going to Happen
One of the best ways to avoid a power struggle is to prepare your child for transitions. Toddlers often resist sudden changes, so giving them a heads-up can make a big difference. For example, instead of abruptly announcing bedtime, say, "After this game, it's bedtime." This gives your toddler time to adjust to the idea and reduces the likelihood of resistance.

2. Make Statements, Not Questions
When setting boundaries, it's important to be clear and direct. Asking questions can sometimes give the impression that there’s a choice when there isn’t one. Instead of asking, "Are you ready to go to bed?" say, "It's time for bed." This removes ambiguity and sets a clear expectation.

3. Offer Choices After the Statement
Toddlers love feeling a sense of control, and offering choices within the boundary can help them feel empowered. After stating the boundary, offer a simple choice: "Would you like to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?" This encourages collaboration and gives them a sense of autonomy. Be sure to give them 10-15 seconds to make their decision. If they don’t choose, you can move on to the next step.

4. Make the Choice if They're Unable To
If your toddler is unable or unwilling to make a choice, you can make it for them. This maintains the boundary and moves the process forward without getting stuck in a power struggle. For example, if they don't choose their pajamas, calmly say, "Since you didn't choose, I'll pick the red pajamas for you."

5. Maintain the Boundary
Once a boundary is set, it's crucial to maintain it. Avoid back-and-forth negotiations, as this can undermine your authority and lead to more power struggles in the future. Be consistent and firm, yet loving. Let your toddler know that you are there to support them, but the boundary remains in place.

Setting boundaries with toddlers can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to lead to power struggles. By preparing your child for transitions, making clear statements, offering choices, and maintaining the boundary, you can create a positive and cooperative environment. Remember, you can hold a boundary and be loving at the same time. With practice, your toddler will learn to respect the limits you set while feeling secure in your consistent and caring approach.

How to Keep Up with Self-Care as a Busy Toddler Mom

As a toddler mom, you’re constantly on the go, juggling multiple responsibilities and tending to the endless needs of your little one. Whether you're a working mom or SAHM, with one toddler or multiples, it can become easy to put self-care on the back burner, but i've said it before and i'll say it again, taking care of yourself is crucial for your well-being and your ability to care for your family.

When I don't take the time to tend to my needs, I find myself being short with my family, easily triggered by my toddler's behavior, and feeling more overwhelmed than usual. I can't be the calm present parent I want to be for my children when i'm tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated. When I experience this, I course correct by ensuring that I create time to focus on my own needs and wellbeing every day. I want to share three simple yet effective ways that you can incorporate self-care into your busy routine each day.

1. Wake Up 15-30 Minutes Before Your Kids
One of the best ways to ensure you get some self-care time is to wake up before your kids. It may sound daunting, especially if you’re already sleep-deprived, but those extra 15-30 minutes in the morning can be a game-changer. Use this quiet time to do something that relaxes and rejuvenates you. It could be as simple as enjoying a cup of tea or coffee in peace, praying, or reading a book. Starting your day with a calm and focused mind can set a positive tone for the rest of the day.

2. Fit in Mini Breaks Throughout the Day
Finding large chunks of time for self-care might be unrealistic, but fitting in mini breaks throughout the day can be just as effective. These short bursts of self-care can help you recharge and stay grounded amidst the chaos. Here are some ideas:
• Journal: Keep a small journal handy and jot down your thoughts, feelings, or anything that’s on your mind. Journaling can be a great way to process emotions and gain clarity.
• Stretch: Take a few minutes to stretch your body. Simple stretches can relieve tension, improve circulation, and boost your energy levels.
• Hydrate: Drinking water is essential for your physical and mental well-being. Make it a habit to sip water throughout the day.
• Read: Carry a book or an e-reader with you. Even reading a few pages can provide a mental escape and give you a fresh perspective.

3. Set Boundaries Around Your Time and Capacity
As a mom, it’s easy to feel like you have to do it all, but setting boundaries is crucial for your well-being. Knowing your limits and being clear about them can help you manage your time and energy more effectively. Here’s how to do it:
• Prioritize Your Wellbeing: Make self-care a non-negotiable part of your routine, just like any other essential task.
• Learn to Say No: It’s okay to say no to extra responsibilities or activities that overwhelm you. Be selective about how you spend your time and energy.
• Delegate: If possible, delegate tasks to your partner, family members, or friends. Sharing responsibilities can lighten your load and give you more time for self-care.
• Create a Self-Care Schedule: Set specific times for self-care activities and stick to them. Whether it’s a daily walk, a weekly yoga class, or a monthly spa day, having a schedule can help ensure you make time for yourself.

Keeping up with self-care as a busy toddler mom might seem challenging, but it’s absolutely possible with a little planning and intention. When you prioritize your well-being, you can show up as the best version of yourself for your family. Remember, taking care of yourself is not a luxury—it’s a necessity. So, make self-care a priority and watch how it positively impacts your life and your family.